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Santa Claus Rally Prevented After Santa Claus Detained by the SEC / DOJ

NEW YORK - Cryptocurrency prices opened lower on Christmas Eve, following news that Santa Claus had been detained on a warrant issued by the Securities and Exchange Commission.

Upon hearing rumors of the possibility of Santa Claus bringing a rally in cryptocurrency prices for all the good adult degen children who have been adversely affected by the ‘crypto winter’ the Chairmen of the SEC, Gary Gensler, quickly sprang into action.

The Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) charged Santa Claus, also known as Father Christmas, Saint Nicholas, Saint Nick, Kris Kringle, or simply Santa on Dec. 24th, with “orchestrating a scheme to manipulate asset prices within the digital asset market.”

At a press conference on Dec. 24th the SEC noted “while the delivering of a Santa Claus rally to the cryptocurrency community may seem like a harmless & charitable gesture for the penniless members of the degen community, in reality this represents an attempt to unduly manipulate asset prices.”

Earlier in the year the DOJ & SEC were able to obtain a FISA warrant to track the location of the infamous ‘Santa.” With intelligence on his location, the U.S. Marshals Service was able to apprehend him while he was conducting a test flight in Nome, Alaska.

A surprised Santa exclaimed "Ho ho nooo!" as the Marshalls leapt out and cuffed him.
With news of the arrest by the SEC, other mythical creatures that spread happiness & joy have elected to move to nations without US extradition treaties. Such creatures include the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy - who is already under indictment for a teeth for coins scheme involving minors.

Santa is currently being held without bail at ADX Florence, a super-max facility, given his magical abilities.

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