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North Korea Threatens Nuclear Armageddon if Sam Bankman-Fried Sextape is Released

PYONGYANG - North Korea has threatened nuclear strikes on “the heart of the internet” if the rumored ‘Sam Bankman-Fried Sextape’ is released, Pyongyang’s state-run Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) reported Thursday evening.

The threat was in response to rumors that spread online around the existence and imminent release of a Harry Potter themed sextape involving former FTX CEO Sam Bankman-Fried and Alameda Research CEO, Caroline Ellison.

Sam Bankman-Fried and Caroline Ellison of Alameda Research, are the two main characters at the center of the ongoing FTX scandal and cryptocurrency market crash that has rocked the industry. Reportedly, an anonymous source, who claims to have previously worked at FTX, is said to be in possession of the tape.

The bizarre story was shared on various social media pages, which appear to claim that the footage will be released to the public imminently, unedited and uncut.
"In order to eliminate the psychological threat this video poses to the thoughts and minds of the Korean people., the [North Korean] government has made all possible efforts through dialogue and international law, but so far these efforts appear to have ended in vain," North Korean state news wrote in a statement Thursday morning regarding attempts that have been made to dissuade release of the video.

"The only option left to counter the use of this form of psychological warfare against the Korean people is to launch nuclear weapons at Amazon Web Service & Google Cloud Platform data centers globally in order to shut down the internet" a North Korean state spokemens passionately exclaimed on Pyongyang’s state-run Korean Central News Agency (KCNA).

North Korea’s threat comes amid ongoing concern within the US intelligence community that North Korea has made quick technological improvements to its nascent nuclear weapons program over the last decade.

A spokesperson for the U.S. Defense Intelligence Agency commented that “we have made attempts to de-escalate this situation, however, the matter is out of our hands.”

The Daily Sybil’s latest assessment has concluded that Pyongyang may have the capability to slow the spread of the sextape (should it exist & be released), but does not have the outright capability to eliminate it from the internet entirely.

The threat of nuclear armageddon is the latest crisis to emerge since the collapse of Sam Bankman-Fried’s crypto empire, which at its height included the FTX cryptocurrency exchange, cryptocurrency trading firm Alameda Research and strategic investments in cryptocurrency protocols like Solana & Serum.

A peace delegation, composed of El Salvadorian President Nayib Bukele, ‘BitBoy’ and Dennis Rodman have flown out to Pyongyang in an attempt to de-escalate the situation & find alternative solutions to concerns raised by the North Korean Regime. Rodman has cultivated a relationship with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un over the past decade, making numerous trips to the isolated communist nation.

The spread of the Sam Bankman-Fried contagion from the cryptocurrency markets into the national security sphere has caught some cryptocurrency and national security experts off-guard. Most cryptocurrency prices have crashed in response to the news of the imminent apocalypse with only the Bitcoin price holding relatively steady at around $16,000.

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